No One Direction Infection Here

Hey,

Sorry about the lack of a new blog post on Friday. I had the SAT the next day, so I had to go to bed super early and get ready and I didn’t have time to do a post. But, two days later, here it is!

Originally, I was going to just talk about the songs I’ve been listening to, but that’s really boring after a while. Instead, I’ve decided to explain exactly what I detest about One Direction. If you saw my Twitter this week, you may have seen where I tweeted about my sister's newfound One Direction obsession.  Yeah, my sister, despite all my glorious attempts to sway her, has conformed. She held out for a long time, but she finally caught The One Direction Infection. (Am I the only one who thinks that sounds like a really disgusting way to say you’re a fan? Maybe you should go see a doctor for that infection)

Multiple times, I’ve asked her to explain why she likes them, but all she keeps saying the same thing, “They’re really cute, attractive, funny, and great singers! And their songs are really catchy. And they’re really hot!” As a good sister, it’s hard for me to keep criticizing her music choices, but I really do hate One Direction.

Even the boy bands in the nineties, as highly regarded as they may be, really weren’t/aren't that great.. But, some people are like, “Oh, they were so much cooler back then.” That’s not necessarily true. Besides the horrible music, remember those badly choreographed, awkward dance moves? If y’all want to dance so badly, became a boy dance team. They boys, who were really closer to men, did at least have very mature voices.  I’ll give One Direction—and The Wanted—credit, at least they don’t dance. They do walk around quite a lot and touch girls’ hands because those boys aren’t dumb; they know they have to target the easily excited pubescent girls. Touching someone’s hand, I guess, does it for them. Now, I’ll admit, when I went to the Mutemath concert and Paul—the lead singer—came out in the crowd, yeah, I got excited. I took pictures and told anyone who listened—so that’s my sister, my parents, and my blog readers—that I was this close to Paul. However, I was there for the music, not because Paul has a pretty face or anything like that.

Specifically, I hate One Direction because they target these tween-age girls. The only reasons One Direction’s music sells is because the girls who are listening to this music because A) the boys are sooooooo cute, B) they think these guys have talent, and C) they’re easily wooed.

Sure, the boys, Zayn, Louis, Harry, Niall, and Liam—I only know their names because of my sister—are relatively attractive, but so what? Does one’s facial structure determine their singing ability? I think not. If we, as a complete society, based our musical tastes off that one criteria, would Ozzy Osbourne be considered a legend, what about Meatloaf, most of the bad-hair bands on the 1980’s, and Muse, Silversun Pickups, The Killers, and Fall Out Boy, would they be popular? Now, I’m not calling these bands/artists “ugly” or putting them down. Most of them, however, do not fall until the typical, cookie-cutter criteria of cute that One Direction does. Yeah, I’ll admit a cute lead singer doesn’t hurt anything. As interesting as the concert was, it was cool to see the very sexy Brendon Urie (Panic! At the Disco’s lead singer). However, I do not solely listen to PATD because of Brendon, but it certainly didn’t hurt at the concert. JMost true music lovers do not listen only to bands that boast “cute” or attractive members. But, that’s One Direction’s niche. They’re five decent looking young men who look good in tight trousers, suits, and colorful skinny jeans. Someone could honestly toss those five boys up on stage, turn off their microphones, play the sound of a garbage disposal every time they open their mouths, and girls would still walk away going, “OMG! Harry’s so cute!” Really, the sound of a garbage disposal is a step-up from what they sound like now. Yikes. Also, the guys take a lot of random videos of them making faces, dancing, and saying silly things. Those videos then get uploaded and crazy fans who don’t have enough to do make huge 8 minute videos of this guys, like this one. Yes, I am now in love with these boys because they’re funny. Right…And their funny moments really don’t compare to these guys’.

Next, these poor girls are sadly mistaken when they claim that One D—I’m abbreviating—has talent. For real? Have you ladies heard their auditions? I sound better than they do and I sound like Ke$ha mixed with a dying rabbit, not that I know very many dying rabbits, but the point still stands. Harry, who every time I say his name, I want to add “You’re a wizard, Harry,” sang “Isn’t she lovely” by Stevie Wonder. No, it’s not the worst I’ve ever heard, but it was very pitchy and kind of weak; I agreed with Louis, instead of Simon and that’s very rare. Niall was very likeable, trying to sing "So Sick" by Ne-Yo, but like Harry, he needed more practice and quite a few voice lessons, to be honest. Zayn was terrible, oooh, just terrible. He tried too hard, drawing out notes that should not have been drawn out and it was painful to listen to. Louis butchered “Hey there Delilah.” Dude, that was my favorite ballad before you stomped all over it. It was just all over the place and…yucky. Liam, on the other hand, I actually liked. Before you turn away and declare me a Directioner, listen to his audition. The guy has a very Michael Buble like quality. I say, Liam, leave those other losers and go be a little jazz singer. I’d buy your stuff. Not because of who you are, but because of the talent hiding in those skinny jeans. In the end, that’s pretty sad, isn’t it? Four guys and only one sounds better than a dying rabbit. Wow.

Finally, their main audience, little girls, are easily influenced. They are only buying One D’s stuff because they have yet to actually formulate their own musical opinions and are just beginning to understand what they like. At 12, the target age of 1D, I was into Ke$ha (synonymous now with a dying rabbit), Akon, Beyonce, Katy Perry, and a million other talentless people that considered themselves “artists.” How is it art if my ears bleed when your songs come on? Just curious. That raises another question of mine, why does One Direction call themselves a band? Do you see them playing any instruments, save for a random guitar here and there? Nope, but they have a backing band that doesn’t get any credit; they’re the ones that are actually doing the heavy-lifting, whereas the boys simply have to prance around and sing. So, I don’t consider them, The Wanted, or any other boy-band, rubbish project of a record company a band. They’re singers, I think, not a band, and most definitely not artists. They are, most definitely, a sorry excuse for music that the tweens eat up. Back to my original point, girls—and kids in general—at that age are trying to discover what kinds of music they like. They’re more likely to fall for guys that smile and sing songs about how beautiful they are, as opposed to bands that did not choose its members based on how chiseled their jaw lines are and sing about heavier, soul-searching lyrics. As well, once a girl’s friends begin to enjoy One Direction’s music, they begin to follow suit, spreading a “One Direction Infection” throughout the school. That’s exactly why these boys have such a rabid, ever-increasing fan base.  Thank God I’m immune this infection, like I was to Bieber Fever. Keep your ailments, girls. I’ll take my Panic! Attacks, thank you very much. J

Another thing that bothers me about these guys is their lyrics. No, I’m not going to rip them apart for writing songs about puppy love; artists—real artists, mind you—have been doing that for years. (I’m reminded of that awful “Puppy Love” by Donny Osmond…scary) What irks me is the lack of depth, the fact that they never address the girl they’re in love with, and the music behind their lyrics.

Take their song “One Thing.” It opens with “I’ve tried playing it cool/ girl when I’m looking at you/ I can’t ever be brave/ because you make my heart race.” Okay, nothing awful there, aside from the fact that his masculinity is still in development, as evidenced by the fact that he can’t look at a girl’s eyes, nose, and mouth without his heart racing.

They go on, blabbering about how much they love this girl and how special she is. Then, Zayn (Or as I called him for months until I learned his name, Zoombafoo) says she has that “one thing.” What is that “one thing” you ask? Well, that’s a good question, because the boys, actually, the people who wrote the song in the first place, have no idea. I like how specific they are about why she’s so special…NOT. I have no idea why they’ve all fallen for her. “I Want” is about a super materialistic girl who wants them to love her. Okay, that songwriting rivals the Jonas Brothers for suckiest shizz posing as beautiful lyrics. As well, boys, putting an electric guitar line that none of you even play does not make the song rock and roll. It definitely comes across as a little pretentious, perhaps, but it’s your manager and everyone else that’s hiding behind the curtain (“pay no attention to that man behind the curtain”) who makes that stuff happen.

Next, they never name the girl they’ve fallen for (am I the only one who is creeped out by the fact that all five guys sing to one girl?), always calling her “you.” Why, you ask, do they do that? Because, when they sing it in concert, they point at different girls and the girls go “OMG! He told me I have that ‘One Thing!’” No, you don’t, but it sells more tee-shirts, tickets, CDs, and merch. More sales = more $$$$$ for them.

Finally, the music that the lyrics try to compensate for are just awful. They don’t want you to notice that the instrumental side of the group is pitiful; they want you to fall for One D’s faces and the fact that the boys are in love with “you.” So, they spend as little time as possible on the actual music and the end result: the music sounds like crap. It all sounds the same, a guitar, a piano, light drums, and a repetitive melody that never really goes anywhere. It’s just your typical boy band music. And that’s why I continue to listen to Mutemath, Muse, Panic! At the Disco, The Black Keys, Just Jack, Two Door Cinema Club, Arctic Monkeys, Patrick Stump, Electric Guest, The Kooks, Keane, Incubus, and Young the Giant. At least those bands have the decency to put effort into their music.

Before I call this rant quits, remember that I’m not personally attacking One Direction and I’m not a hater. (Though, remember that haters are your motivators) I don’t like their music, why they’re popular, and what they represent in the music industry (puppets controlled by a record company and managers). However, I’m sure they’re very nice guys and I didn’t set out to put them down and make a mockery of them. I just think that considering the amount of success that they’ve had, they should at least have a little talent. So, just a critic, not a hater. Got it? Good. J

If you want to laugh even more at One Direction's strange following and their lack of musical talent, check out Barely Political's parodies here and here. And while you're there, check out their 24 parodies here and here. I couldn't resist a chance to slip in a 24 reference. :)

Anyways, until next week,

Bella

I'm NOT A Hipster; I Swear On My Vinyl Records Because MP3s are Too Mainstream

Hey!

before I get to my promised post, I wanted to take a minute to thank everyone who is reading my blog. It means the world to me, truly!

Tonight, I would like to explain, on behalf of moderate hipsters everywhere--like myself--what we are trying to say when we--mostly they--make seemingly stupid comments. To clarify, I am not a hipster when it comes to clothes, speech, or who I associate with, but I do share similar ideals when it comes to music. Remember: not a hipster, just agrees with them on music from time to time. :)

For example, I find myself saying this a lot: "Mainstream music sucks."
You're probably thinking "Put a sock in it. This is my jam!" Fine, it can be your "jam," but number one, I don't think anyone has said that since like 1990 and number two, your "jam" maker has no talent. By saying that mainstream music sucks, what I'm saying is that artist has no talent, really, like I just said. If their voice is pumped full of auto-tune, does that mean they are a good singer? Nope. Mainstream music, any more, is dominated by idiotic rappers and "singers" who get high on the love they have for themselves. That's why mainstream music sucks.

Next, I will say "This band should be famous, not that one." That, readers, is jealousy. I am so jealous that bands like Maroon 5--who are a shabby excuse for a band--and The Wanted--can you believe that people consider them a band?--are making millions of dollars each year, selling tickets at ridiculously inflated prices, and have sold so many songs on iTunes, while more talented, "real" bands are making a little money here and there, but if you asked a random person on the street who MuteMath was, they'd probably just stare at you. Ask them who Bieber is, though, and they'd be able to tell you. It's just wrong. Many people--hipsters, maybe--listen to other bands with more talent who deserve the appearances and sponsorships. It's just kind of sad, for us, I suppose. That one is explained by jealousy and sadness.

Then, we say "I liked this song before it was popular." yes, I know everyone has heard someone say this before and you're probably annoyed by it. Let me explain it with a fantastic simile, let's pretend that you love searching for treasure--bear with me here--and you find a huge one, with trillions of dollars in it and you're just super rich and happy and everything. But then, the word gets out about your treasure and pretty soon everyone wants a piece of that treasure and they go back to where you found it and start taking all your money and pretty soon, you only have like, five hundred thousand. You're probably pretty sad at this point. Okay, get it? No? I'll explain. the treasure is the music, the people stealing the treasure are the dopes who are too lazy to find the music on their own and bum off your discovery and then claim it for themselves. Understand now? here's another way to look at it: I'll give you an example from my own life. "We Are Young" by Fun. is an incredible song and I discovered it because I have been a huge Fun. fan for the last year or so and I downloaded it back in September or so and loved it. I showed it to a friend of mine who loved it just as much, though for different reasons--I was drawn to the drum patterns and Nate's vocal range while she liked how sing-along-ready it was--and then a couple of months went by and BOOM! That song was huge. I had to transition from learning the lyrics on my own--most lyric websites do not post new lyrics very quickly, especially from alt/indie bands--to reading every 12 year old with a YOLO agenda posting the lyrics every hour. I get it, kids, it's really exciting to be 12 when you can't drive, drink, or smoke. How I envy you. Not. Anyways, that's why I like songs before they reach massive success.

Finally, I sometimes will say "I liked this band before they got big." You're probably shaking your head, thinking, "didn't you just say you wanted some of your alt bands to blow up?" Not really. I want my bands to have the type of success that Linkin Park or bands similar to them have had, success where they do not change their sound. Mainstream success often leads to some fancy producer or manager or greed taking over and trying to change the band. they land on the cover of magazines, start relying on a computer to do all the musical heavy lifting for them, and/or change their style completely. That only hurts their fans, the people who followed them when they had 50 Likes on Facebook, the people who went to their concerts, and bought their tee-shirts. But, when it comes to money and fame, they tend to forget that. And that is terribly unfortunate. I wish bands would stick up for themselves more often and stick with what works. Sadly, these producers/managers/greed will want them to change their stuff so that it is more appealing to 12 year old girls and 21-year-old party freaks. That's stupidity, in its finest form.


Next week, I will post about different bands/singers/people I've found on YouTube, all music related, though. :)

Until next week,
Bella

No Bieber Fever Here

Hey,
Sorry for not putting up a post last week. Tonight, I'll do 2 posts to make up for it.

Post Numero uno: Justin Bieber. And I know, every hipster/sane person reading this is going "Ew, dude, so totally gross." Yeah, I agree with you, so just know that. Okaaay...The Biebs put out a new song recently, and despite all my (100) problems with him, I actually like it. It's disgusting, I get it. So, in order to make myself remember why I hate him, here are some of the many reasons why I dislike him.

.
Now 10 Reasons I Hate Justin Bieber:
10. He's overproduced
9. He sounds like a lady
8. He thinks he's the shizz
7. He spends more time on his choreography/ publicity stunts than he does writing songs
6. He doesn't actually write most of his material.
5. Singing live is not his specialty...which is unfortunate considering he's a singer
4. His songs are full of fluff...the lyrics are meaningless
3. His songs are simplistic--they're almost all in the same key
2. He requires auto-tune and reverb to make him sound...listenable. Granted, not a word, but you get my drift.
1. He reminds me of every other male pop icon that's ever existed...unoriginal

Good. Now I feel better.
Until next week,
Bella