Hey,
Sorry about the lack of a new blog post on Friday. I had the
SAT the next day, so I had to go to bed super early and get ready and I didn’t
have time to do a post. But, two days later,
here it is!
Originally, I was going to just talk about the songs I’ve been listening
to, but that’s really boring after a while. Instead, I’ve decided to explain
exactly what I detest about One Direction. If you saw my Twitter this week, you
may have seen where I tweeted about my sister's newfound One Direction obsession. Yeah, my sister, despite all my glorious
attempts to sway her, has conformed. She held out for a long time, but she
finally caught The One Direction Infection. (Am I the only one who thinks that
sounds like a really disgusting way to say you’re a fan? Maybe you should go
see a doctor for that infection)
Multiple times, I’ve asked her to explain why she likes
them, but all she keeps saying the same thing, “They’re really cute, attractive,
funny, and great singers! And their songs are really catchy. And they’re really
hot!” As a good sister, it’s hard for me to keep criticizing her music choices,
but I really do hate One Direction.
Even the boy bands in the nineties,
as highly regarded as they may be, really weren’t/aren't that great.. But, some people
are like, “Oh, they were so much cooler back then.” That’s not necessarily
true. Besides the horrible music, remember those badly choreographed, awkward
dance moves? If y’all want to dance so badly, became a boy dance team. They boys, who were really closer to men, did at least have very mature voices. I’ll
give One Direction—and The Wanted—credit, at least they don’t dance. They do
walk around quite a lot and touch girls’ hands because those boys aren’t dumb;
they know they have to target the easily excited pubescent girls. Touching
someone’s hand, I guess, does it for them. Now, I’ll admit, when I went to the Mutemath
concert and Paul—the lead singer—came out in the crowd, yeah, I got excited. I
took pictures and told anyone who listened—so that’s my sister, my parents, and my
blog readers—that I was this close to
Paul. However, I was there for the music, not because Paul has a pretty face or
anything like that.
Specifically, I hate One Direction because
they target these tween-age girls. The only reasons One Direction’s music sells
is because the girls who are listening to this music because A) the boys are sooooooo cute, B) they think these guys
have talent, and C) they’re easily wooed.
Sure, the boys, Zayn, Louis, Harry,
Niall, and Liam—I only know their names because of my sister—are relatively attractive, but so what? Does one’s facial structure determine their singing
ability? I think not. If we, as a complete society, based our musical tastes
off that one criteria, would Ozzy Osbourne be considered a legend, what about
Meatloaf, most of the bad-hair bands on the 1980’s, and Muse, Silversun
Pickups, The Killers, and Fall Out Boy, would they be popular? Now, I’m not
calling these bands/artists “ugly” or putting them down. Most of them, however,
do not fall until the typical, cookie-cutter criteria of cute that One
Direction does. Yeah, I’ll admit a cute lead singer doesn’t hurt anything. As interesting
as the concert was, it was cool to see the very sexy Brendon Urie (Panic! At
the Disco’s lead singer). However, I do not solely listen to PATD because of
Brendon, but it certainly didn’t hurt at the concert. JMost true music lovers do not
listen only to bands that boast “cute” or attractive members. But, that’s One
Direction’s niche. They’re five decent looking young men who look good in tight
trousers, suits, and colorful skinny jeans. Someone could honestly toss those
five boys up on stage, turn off their microphones, play the sound of a garbage
disposal every time they open their mouths, and girls would still walk away
going, “OMG! Harry’s so cute!” Really, the sound of a garbage disposal is a
step-up from what they sound like now. Yikes. Also, the guys take a lot of
random videos of them making faces, dancing, and saying silly things. Those
videos then get uploaded and crazy fans who don’t have enough to do make huge 8
minute videos of this guys, like this one.
Yes, I am now in love with these boys because they’re funny. Right…And their
funny moments really don’t compare to these guys’.
Next, these poor girls are sadly
mistaken when they claim that One D—I’m abbreviating—has talent. For real? Have
you ladies heard their auditions? I sound better than they do and I sound like Ke$ha
mixed with a dying rabbit, not that I know very many dying rabbits, but the
point still stands. Harry, who every time I say his name, I want to add “You’re
a wizard, Harry,” sang “Isn’t she lovely” by Stevie Wonder. No, it’s not the
worst I’ve ever heard, but it was very pitchy and kind of weak; I agreed with
Louis, instead of Simon and that’s very rare. Niall was very likeable, trying to sing "So Sick" by Ne-Yo, but like
Harry, he needed more practice and quite a few voice lessons, to be honest.
Zayn was terrible, oooh, just terrible. He tried too hard, drawing out notes
that should not have been drawn out and it was painful to listen to. Louis
butchered “Hey there Delilah.” Dude, that was my favorite ballad before you
stomped all over it. It was just all over the place and…yucky. Liam, on the
other hand, I actually liked. Before you turn away and declare me a
Directioner, listen to his audition. The guy has a very Michael Buble like
quality. I say, Liam, leave those other losers and go be a little jazz singer.
I’d buy your stuff. Not because of who you are, but because of the talent
hiding in those skinny jeans. In the end, that’s pretty sad, isn’t it? Four
guys and only one sounds better than a dying rabbit. Wow.
Finally, their main audience,
little girls, are easily influenced. They are only buying One D’s stuff because
they have yet to actually formulate their own musical opinions and are just
beginning to understand what they like. At 12, the target age of 1D, I was into
Ke$ha (synonymous now with a dying rabbit), Akon, Beyonce, Katy Perry, and a
million other talentless people that considered themselves “artists.” How is it
art if my ears bleed when your songs come on? Just curious. That raises another
question of mine, why does One Direction call themselves a band? Do you see
them playing any instruments, save for a random guitar here and there? Nope,
but they have a backing band that doesn’t get any credit; they’re the ones that
are actually doing the heavy-lifting, whereas the boys simply have to prance
around and sing. So, I don’t consider them, The Wanted, or any other boy-band,
rubbish project of a record company a band. They’re singers, I think, not a
band, and most definitely not artists. They are, most definitely, a sorry
excuse for music that the tweens eat up. Back to my original point, girls—and kids
in general—at that age are trying to discover what kinds of music they like.
They’re more likely to fall for guys that smile and sing songs about how
beautiful they are, as opposed to bands that did not choose its members based
on how chiseled their jaw lines are and sing about heavier, soul-searching
lyrics. As well, once a girl’s friends begin to enjoy One Direction’s music,
they begin to follow suit, spreading a “One Direction Infection” throughout the
school. That’s exactly why these boys have such a rabid, ever-increasing fan
base. Thank God I’m immune this
infection, like I was to Bieber Fever. Keep your ailments, girls. I’ll take my
Panic! Attacks, thank you very much. J
Another thing that bothers me about
these guys is their lyrics. No, I’m not going to rip them apart for writing
songs about puppy love; artists—real artists, mind you—have been doing that for
years. (I’m reminded of that awful “Puppy Love” by Donny Osmond…scary) What
irks me is the lack of depth, the fact that they never address the girl they’re
in love with, and the music behind their lyrics.
Take their song “One Thing.” It
opens with “I’ve tried playing it cool/ girl when I’m looking at you/ I can’t
ever be brave/ because you make my heart race.” Okay, nothing awful there,
aside from the fact that his masculinity is still in development, as evidenced
by the fact that he can’t look at a girl’s eyes, nose, and mouth without his
heart racing.
They go on, blabbering about how
much they love this girl and how special she is. Then, Zayn (Or as I called him
for months until I learned his name, Zoombafoo) says she has that “one thing.”
What is that “one thing” you ask? Well, that’s a good question, because the
boys, actually, the people who wrote the song in the first place, have no idea.
I like how specific they are about why she’s so special…NOT. I have no idea why
they’ve all fallen for her. “I Want” is about a super materialistic girl who
wants them to love her. Okay, that songwriting rivals the Jonas Brothers for
suckiest shizz posing as beautiful lyrics. As well, boys, putting an electric
guitar line that none of you even play does not make the song rock and roll. It
definitely comes across as a little pretentious, perhaps, but it’s your manager
and everyone else that’s hiding behind the curtain (“pay no attention to that
man behind the curtain”) who makes that stuff happen.
Next, they never name the girl they’ve
fallen for (am I the only one who is creeped out by the fact that all five guys
sing to one girl?), always calling her “you.” Why, you ask, do they do that?
Because, when they sing it in concert, they point at different girls and the girls
go “OMG! He told me I have that ‘One Thing!’” No, you don’t, but it sells more
tee-shirts, tickets, CDs, and merch. More sales = more $$$$$ for them.
Finally, the music that the lyrics
try to compensate for are just awful. They don’t want you to notice that the
instrumental side of the group is pitiful; they want you to fall for One D’s
faces and the fact that the boys are in love with “you.” So, they spend as
little time as possible on the actual music and the end result: the music
sounds like crap. It all sounds the same, a guitar, a piano, light drums, and a
repetitive melody that never really goes anywhere. It’s just your typical boy
band music. And that’s why I continue to listen to Mutemath, Muse, Panic! At
the Disco, The Black Keys, Just Jack, Two Door Cinema Club, Arctic Monkeys,
Patrick Stump, Electric Guest, The Kooks, Keane, Incubus, and Young the Giant.
At least those bands have the decency to put effort into their music.
Before I call this rant quits,
remember that I’m not personally attacking One Direction and I’m not a hater.
(Though, remember that haters are your motivators) I don’t like their music,
why they’re popular, and what they represent in the music industry (puppets
controlled by a record company and managers). However, I’m sure they’re very
nice guys and I didn’t set out to put them down and make a mockery of them. I
just think that considering the amount of success that they’ve had, they should
at least have a little talent. So, just a critic, not a hater. Got it? Good. J
If you want to laugh even more at One Direction's strange following and their lack of musical talent, check out Barely Political's parodies here and here. And while you're there, check out their 24 parodies here and here. I couldn't resist a chance to slip in a 24 reference. :)
Anyways, until next week,
Bella
